The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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