How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
