apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
