Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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