I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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