he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
