A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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