There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
