today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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