Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
