I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize