We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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