Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
