I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
