I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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