sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
