I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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