Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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