my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
