I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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