my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
