Your mouth is God's brothel.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
