Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize