The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
