HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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