About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
