Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
PANTIES FOUND
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