omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
