I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
