I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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