Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
