Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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