I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
