based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
