I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
