Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
