You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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