imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
