You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
