In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize