it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
