i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
