The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
How external is "for external use only"?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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