Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robitsâ€
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