A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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