the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
