two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
