you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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