I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
