This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
