I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Rumble strips road head = magical
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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