Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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