I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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