so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
