i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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