I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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