when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
