Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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