i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
